Feb 20, 2007 7:29 pm US/Central
How To Avoid Breaking The Rules Of Dating
by Jeanette Trompeter
(WCCO)
-
-
If someone overwhelms you with a sense of instant intimacy, they are either emotionally a child or a sex addict, according to author John Friel.
AP
Believe it or not, experts say there are rules to the dating game, if you're playing it right. With rules, of course, comes the possibility that you are breaking the rules.
If you're in the game to find true love, you have to practice. Psychologist and
best-selling author John Friel warns it's not for the faint of heart.
"We call, in our book, dating a process of hurting and getting hurt," he said. "People always pair up with partners who are equally healthy and equally dysfunctional as themselves. Always."
The more you can do it with integrity, he says, the closer you are to healthy fulfilling love. It's all about being honest, with your date
and yourself.
Instant intimacy? There's no such thing, according to Friel. On the contrary, the notion is more likely a red flag. If someone overwhelms you with a sense of instant intimacy, they are either emotionally a child or a sex addict, said Friel.
"They'll hold your hand and look in your eyes and they'll tell you about their therapy right up front and how they're working on themselves, and they might shed some tears," he said, adding those with good boundaries don't usually share everything up front. "It should be a red flag that, 'Whoa, wait a minute. What's going on here?'"
Apparent good deeds could even be a warning sign. A shower of gifts, flowers, even car repairs could mean someone's expecting something in return. Friel calls that the "owe/pay syndrome," yet another red flag.
"It's a manipulative way of trying to get people ... hooked in and then resenting when I don't get back what I thought I'd get back," said Friel.
Someone who attempts to solve all your problems isn't offering up healthy advice. The person basically takes over. That's someone with control issues, or someone who may be very dependent, but is masking it by appearing to be in control.
"'Gee, I think I've got allergies. Gee, you need to try this and this and this, and I went to this herbalist,'" explained Friel by way of example.
Watch out for the smiling passive aggressive, who trade in "the jabs and the throwaways and the emotional paper cuts," according to Friel.
One of the hardest things about dating relationships is knowing how to end one. Simply not calling back just reinforces bad communication skills that will haunt you in your true love relationship. Instead, honestly express appreciation for your dating partner's time, and honestly tell them not to expect a call in the future.
(© MMVII, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)
Click to enlarge
Stumble It!
