Feb 26, 2007 9:56 pm US/Central
Fighting As Important To Relationships As Intimacy
by Jeanette Trompeter
(WCCO)
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No matter how blissful a relationship starts, eventually conflict arises, and couples discover the best and worst of their intimacy skills.
KYW
Like it or not, most relationships deal with conflict at some point. Experts say how you and your partner handle your lovers' spats often reflects how you handle intimacy.
No matter how blissful a relationship starts, eventually conflict arises, and couples discover the best and worst of their intimacy skills. Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn offer up plenty of examples of communication breakdowns in "The Break Up." They also exemplify a common problem, waiting too long to really open up.
"Persistence is the key," said psychologist Dr. John Friel. "If it really bugs me over and over and over that you're leaving your dirty socks on the floor, and I can't seem to get past it, I'm going to need to say something even if it seems trivial or childish."
Keep it locked up, and eventually resentment builds, which makes real communication even more difficult. Friel talks about the importance of speaking up in his book "The 7 Best Things Happy Couples Do."
"Truly happy couples are willing to end it all and so they hardly ever do," said Friel. "If you aren't willing to say who you are to the person you are in love with -- at the risk of them getting mad, or getting hurt or shutting down or either leaving you literally or emotionally -- if you're not willing to say that, then the real you isn't in the relationship anymore."
Simply learning to live with behavior that continually causes you pain or anxiety isn't a healthy option. The key is learning to speak up, without lashing out.
"So if I said you really hurt my feelings, or that makes me angry, I'm letting you know, you got to me," said Friel. "Those are emotional risks, and there's no way to be intimate if people aren't capable of doing that."
Arguing is really an exercise in intimacy, because if you're doing it right, you should be showing your vulnerabilities and soft spots, rather than just attacking your partner or trying to win.
(© MMVII, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)
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