Special Reports

(WCCO) Remember the old playground rhyme, "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage." Experts say fewer people are doing things in that order.

Case in point: Davis and Danyelle Draheim. The high school sweethearts from Crosby, Minn. were partners then parents. They didn't become husband and wife until last summer, with their young sons Wiley and Elliot at the wedding.

Why did they wait so long to marry?

"I honestly had no interest in being married. Ever," said Danyelle. She's not exaggerating.

"I told him when we were very young, 'If you propose to me, I'm going to say no. Things are gonna get weird, and it's just gonna ruin a good thing,'" she said.

Davis didn't need the warning. He was gun-shy too.

"We both came from divorced parents," he said. "And I didn't want to follow suit."

The Draheims might still be unmarried if it weren't for the Family Formation Project. The government-funded initiative is led by Dr. Bill Doherty, a University of Minnesota Family Social Science professor. Married since 1971, he has seen attitudes about marriage change dramatically.

"A lot of people aren't so sure they can achieve it. It troubles me that as a society we have separated parenthood and marriage so much," he said.

The Family Formation Project aims to do just that -- form families. It connects unmarried couples with a relationship coach, mentor couple and, in some cases, a social worker. The hope is that some of these couples will marry and create an ideal growing-up environment for their kids.

"We know from just tons of research that the ideal environment for children is to grow up in a family where the parents love each other, are permanently committed to each other and that usually means marriage and that they both love their child," said Doherty.

The project is currently working with around 100 participant couples. They are still trying to recruit more mentor couples.

Jason Wilde trains mentors and serves as a relationship coach. As a married father of four, he doesn't talk much about marriage.

"Mostly it's been communication, how do we really talk and get along," he explained. "Whatever it is that's going to help them, we're there to help them do."

It sounds strange, but in this pro-marriage project, there's no pressure to marry. According to participant Davis Draheim, a high-pressure approach wouldn't work.

"They know that it's the goal to get people to be married, but when you do push things down people's throat, they don't want anything to do with it then," he said.

Instead of pressure, the program offers support. In the early days of the Draheims' marriage, things were a little rocky.

"What did we expect?" said Danyelle. "Just people to kind of embrace us as being a married couple, and we didn't feel that they did." That's no surprise to Bill Doherty.

"Our couples live in a world often where there's not always a lot of support for their couple relationship," he said.

The project had the couple's back when others didn't.

"We had a voice," recalled Danyelle. "We could bounce some of this off people and get their feedback and support."

Danyelle and Davis are now leaders in the project. While they don't push anyone to take the plunge, they are willing to share what they've learned through their marriage.

"You do feel more of a connection, as a family, as a whole," said Davis.

 

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