Special Reports

by Frank Vascellaro & Amelia Santaniello
(WCCO) There are a lot of things that people believe about marriage, about what you need to do to get married, that are common sense in our culture and are wrong, explains Dr. William Doherty.

As a therapist, professor and author, Doherty is a go-to guy when it comes to matters of marriage.

"It's not like people just lack information," said Doherty. "People actually have false information about marriage."

So what are some marriage myths that need busting?

Myth #1: You really should live together before you get married.

"Marriage without cohabitation is like buying a new car without test driving it, right? It just makes common sense," said Doherty. "It's wrong."

"The research is very clear that living together before marriage has no benefits, no proven benefits for getting married. In fact, the research suggests it may be a disadvantage."

Myth #2: Don't get hitched until you can afford it.

This myth is held by America's underclass.

"Nowadays, what's happened is, particularly in low-income communities, across the country, across racial groups, there is this idea that you have children when you want to have children with your partner but that marriage is something you should only do when you've become middle class and you have a house in the suburbs and you've paid off your car," said Doherty.

"How did that come about?" asked Amelia Santaniello.

"The how things come about questions are really difficult to know," said Doherty.

He explained that low-income people often put marriage on a pedestal.

"They don't use marriage as a way to get to the middle class," he said. "They think they have to get to the middle class before they get married and it just goes off, off, into the future."

Doherty said what couples don't realize is that if they got married their financial situation would likely improve.

"In a marriage, and the research is very clear on this, marriage builds wealth," said Doherty.

Myth #3: Marriage is like fruit. Once it's rotten, it can't get ripe again.

"I'd imagine though the conventional wisdom is if you're in a big valley, you probably think it's easier to punch out than to fight back uphill," said Frank Vascellaro.

Doherty said, "They don't weigh the costs of the divorce and they often don't imagine that with the right kind of help and the right kind of attitude change, they could get out of this hole they're in now."

Unfortunately, friends sometimes sabotage your marriage rather than support it.

"There are a lot of people who are not friends of your marriage when it's in trouble. They're gonna say, 'Move on, you deserve better than this' and so, some people, some friends, are not safe for your marriage when you're complaining about it," said Doherty.

Myth #4: Women have the most to gain from marriage.

"Women are, when they're engaged, they're congratulated and the men are offered condolences by some of their friends, that kind of, the old, cultural stereotypes."

Almost everyone's heard those ball-and-chain jokes.

"The truth is marriage is good for women and it's even better for men," said Doherty.

Men don't just live longer. Research shows they live better.

"They are healthier. They have fewer chronic illnesses. They are much less apt to have depression and alcoholism. They make more money," said Doherty.

"Why is that?" asked Santaniello.

"Becoming a husband changes a man more than becoming a wife changes a woman," explained Doherty.

So guys grow up a little?

"Men grow up more. They become more responsible," he said.

After they tie the knot, they've got someone who cares enough to nag them, too.

"They have somebody who says, 'Maybe you should see the doctor for that mole you've been scratching,'" said Doherty. "And this is wife behavior, not girlfriend behavior, so that's why it's not just having girlfriends. It's your wife who will get on you about that mole."

Myth #5: Your kids actively want you to remarry after divorce.

Dr. William Doherty says there's a fifth modern marriage myth: If your marriage fails, your children really want you to find another romantic relationship because they want you to be happy. It's not true. Your happiness isn't a big deal to your children. They want you to take care of them and to spend time with them. Meeting Mr. or Ms. Right? Not a priority for your children.

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