Special Reports

(WCCO) At a coffee shop in St. Paul, Susan Fischer said being divorced can be tough.

"It's amazing when you get divorced, you lose a lot," the suburban mother of three said.

The man sitting next to her can agree.

"You realize how few single people there are in your neighborhood," J.R. Hamilton added.

That solitary feeling is what prompted him to start the Single Parent Friend Network, a group on Meetup.com, where people can start or join different groups.

There are more than 170 members in Hamilton's group. Their recent activities include a ride on the Lake Harriet Ghost Trolley — with kids — and a Bloody Mary Sunday brunch — without them.

Fischer, Hamilton, Alexandrea Kouame and Kari Wiessner all agree dating is dramatically different once you have kids.

"I'm a full-time single mom, so it's really hard to get out," Wiessner said.

Kouame only dates single dads "because a single dad is going to know what I'm going through," she said.

Because they're usually busy working or taking care of their kids, single parents find a lot of dating happens online and over the phone.

"It's the best part about being in a relationship," Hamilton said. "When you have someone you can call at the end of the day and say, 'How was your day?'"
Dr. William Doherty is a professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota. He said there's no set rule about when divorced parents should start dating again.

"It really is a matter of the readiness of the parent," Doherty said.

He feels stronger about when single parents should introduce new mates.

"Only when you're serious," Doherty said. "Even if you would love them to meet this person and this person to meet them and all of that, don't do it until this person looks like they're going to be around for quite some time."

That makes sense to Hamilton.

"If you got separated last week, don't introduce them to the new boyfriend this week," he said.

Most people don't marry the first person they date after a divorce, Doherty said.

"Why put your children through all of the wonderings and the feelings and, 'Do I want to get close to this guy because mom likes him, or do I hold back and will mom be mad at me if I hold back? Or dad,'" Doherty said. "It's just this turmoil of feelings in the part of the children."

Doherty said single parents shouldn't lie to their children about dating, however.

"Well, you don't want to be lying about, 'I'm into movies these days, and I'm going out to the movies,'" Doherty said, adding he would suggest telling children something like, "I'm getting together with a friend."

If the child wants to know the friend's name, it's OK to tell them, he said.

Introducing someone too soon is a small mistake.

"The big mistake is after a few months, you really like each other, you're sleeping together, he moves in," Doherty said. "It's a whole other thing if this is an engagement, but if it's just the next step in your romantic relationship -- big mistake with children."

Back at the coffee shop, the single parents use the same word to describe what really matters to them -- priority.

"My children are my priority," Fischer said.

Hamilton added, "My kids are my priority, not my dating life."

It's not that they don't want love. They do. It's just lower on their list of things to do.

"He's my priority," Wiessner said, with a laugh. "The free time I do have I just want to catch up on sleep or laundry."

Paula Engelking, Producer
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