Mar 16, 2009 10:49 pm US/Central
How To Talk To Your Kids About Sex
Frank Vascellaro & Amelia Santaniello
(WCCO)
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There are lots of opportunities to talk about sex -- from seeing a pregnant woman on the street to seeing sexy scenes on TV.
AP
There are everyday parenting questions -- "Why won't my son pick up his room?" or "How do I get my daughter to do her homework?"
Then there are the trickier ones like "How do we tell our kids about sex?"
That's a question WCCO's Frank Vascellaro and Amelia Santaniello are wrestling with at their house. So they decided it was time for them to learn more about the birds, the bees and the conversation most parents dread.
We sat down with three parents last week. They agreed to talk to us about how they talked to their children about this delicate subject. First we asked them if they got "the talk" from their parents. It turns out none of them learned about sex from their mom or dad.
"I didn't really get the talk," said mother Tracy Utech.
"My dad really never said too much about this," said father Mike Walz.
Parent Wendy Whiting said she and her little brother found out from an older boy.
"We were really too young … I think we were pretty mortified," she recalled.
So was her mother.
"I said, 'Mom, I know where babies come from now.' And I just showed her with some hand motions, and she was like, 'My goodness!'" said Wendy.
Wendy didn't want her daughter Kristin to find out that way.
"I got her a book probably when she was 10 years old just about where do babies come from," said Wendy.
Her seventh-grade daughter Kristin recalled, "If I had questions, I went to the book and looked for them."
We asked Kristin if she asked her mother questions before she got the book.
"I asked them like what is it, like what is it like basically," said Kristin.
Tracy used the book, It's Perfectly Normal, to teach her daughter Victoria about sex.
"She couldn't wait to get through it," said Tracy. "We'd read through some chapters at night, and I'd come in the next night, and she said, 'I already read that one. I couldn't wait.'"
Victoria said she was comfortable talking about it because her mother was.
"She's not just like, 'Don't do this.' She's like, 'Wait, and be safe, and if you're going to do it, wear like a condom or something,'" said Victoria.
Mike Walz has it pretty easy. His wife is an Obstetrics nurse, so their three sons have been around new babies all their lives.
He feels strongly about teaching the boys how to treat women, especially the idea that, "No means no."
"Personally, I don't think it's realistic to teach them abstinence," said Mike. "Because kids are gonna be kids, and they're gonna do what they're gonna do."
Mike wants to make sure 13-year-old Chris and his brothers are careful when it comes to sex.
"My friends know about it, they kind of joke about it," said Chris. "They don't really take it seriously like I do sometimes."
Chris wants to wait until he's married. His father just wants him to wait for a worthy partner.
"My first is my only first, and it's going to be with me for life, and it has to be a special, memorable moment," said Mike.
For more advice, we talked to Jenny Oliphant, the community outreach coordinator for the Healthy Youth Development program at the University of Minnesota's Center for Adolescent Medicine and Risk Prevention.
She helped create the It's That Easy campaign. It helps teach educators how to teach parents how to have the talk -- well, lots of talks.
"We don't want the one big talk if we can avoid it, because that tells them we're going to talk once and then it's done, and it's never done, it's never done," said Oliphant.
She said some parents give too much information.
"A really common question for kindergartners is, 'Mommy, where did I come from' and a lot of time parents get so nervous … actually he might be really asking, 'Was I born in St. Paul?" said Oliphant.
"You need to check it out, you need to ask things like, 'Well, what are you wondering about?' or 'Tell me about your question,'" she added.
"What if your child doesn't ask you questions about sex? At what age, should you approach your child and say, 'We're going to have a little talk?" asked Amelia.
"It's usually somewhere around between third and fourth grade that they may have some of those questions, maybe a bit earlier…If they never ask, I think then we have somehow sent the message not to ask us," said Oliphant.
There are lots of opportunities to talk about sex -- from seeing a pregnant woman on the street to seeing sexy scenes on TV.
"You may be a little more sophisticated for a nine-year-old than for a six-year-old," explained Oliphant. "But the message is still the same, 'I want you to come to me, I'm here for you, and if you ever have any issues, I want to be the one you talk to about it.'"
Her advice to parents is figure out what you want to tell your children, then practice. It's easy to let your school teach your children about sex, but Oliphant says this information should first come from parents.
She said anyone can teach your children about sex, but only you can pass along your values.
She said if parents are unsure of something, it's okay to say, "Mommy has to look that up, but I'll get back to you."
It's also a good idea to use the right words for body parts.
Even if you think you've waited too long, Oliphant said it's never too late to start the conversation.
"Saying something, anything, is far better than saying nothing at all," she said.
(© MMIX, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)
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